The resolution will be televised

Happy New Year, all...In honor of resolution-makers everywhere, I bring you the Disco Body Shaper. So much more awesome than resolving to go to the gym! Not to mention cheaper. This was $3 but I bought it on the last day of a sale so it was half price. Back in 1977, it retailed for $9.95—adjusted for inflation that would have been... I have no idea, but certainly more than $1.50 and a lot less than a gym membership.

If you're wondering if I've actually taken the Disco Body Shaper for a spin, the answer is hell no. I'm sure the foxy ladies (and the dude wearing silver spacesuit) in these completely rad late-night commercials all popped their knees, dislocated their hips and knocked their spines out of alignment using the "scientifically designed, precision made, ball-bearing action exerciser." Seriously, it looks dangerous, doesn't it? I get rug burns just looking at these commercials.

There are two things I can generally count on when I go to an estate sale: that there will be an assortment of walkers/canes/wheelchairs/hospital beds/shower seats, and that there will be at least one piece of exercise equipment—hat rack/nordictracks, deflated stability balls, dumbbells, Thighmasters and Soloflex knock-offs. This probably says something meaningful about the cycles of life—despite our strivings for physical perfection, our bodies inevitably crumble—or maybe just that this is the kind of fungible crap none of your surviving family members wants to inherit. Perhaps a resolution to join the gym isn't such a bad idea after all.






And here, the once-ubiquitous Soloflex print ad that used to hang on my bedroom wall. Just cuz writing this post made me think of Soloflex man for the first time since, like, 1983.